A parent recently wrote:
I have been posed with a problem. I have a bit of a hitter on my hands. My 2 year old son has been going to daycare for about a month and a half now and started hitting some. Occasionally he leaves a little mark, but I think out of frustration really (he needs to learn how to share as he is an only child). He is in a daycare with all boys, and one of the moms (a mom of brothers), has said it was her sons or mine. So I am getting the boot (I can understand where she is coming from, I am not bad mouthing her), but I don't know what to do. He's not a bad kid. My current provider really cares for him and she hates doing this, but she has to do what she has to do for her own business. So I have a week to find new placement. Is there anyone who can help me? I don't know if I should get someone with as little kids as possible (maybe 1 or 2), or what. I need a place to take him otherwise I have to quit my new job. I don't want to give up on him, but he won't learn if everyone else gives up on him too. I am rambling now so please send me some advice letting me know what I should do. Thank you.
This was my reply (if you are experiencing this type of issue you might want to read):
Hi. I'm a Licensed child care provider in Sac. I usually don't offer advice because I don't want to seem like I have all the answers, because I don't --nobody does. Don't feel bad; all children will test limits and are in the process of learning socially acceptable behaviors.
I can offer some advice. I realize your job is on the line and it can be very stressful to work when you have a young child.
1. Try to find out what is causing the behavior (sounds like sharing is the issue?). It is very helpful to find out what is triggering him to hit so that you can intervene and help find alternatives to hitting (like using his words to ask for what he wants or walking away until the toy is available).
The next tips are the most useful in stopping the behavior.
2. Set a limit. Before he hits (when he is calm and not involved in the behavior) let him know:
"It's not okay to hit. If you hit You will have to sit on the green chair," (or what ever the consequence).
I know this sounds simple and you may have tried this before, but I have confidence if you repeat these steps over and over you will have success. He has to loose the privilege of being in the situation. Here's the rest:
3. Let him know it's okay to be angry but not okay to hit. Remember to use "I" sentences ("I want you to walk away from your friend. I don't like it when you hurt your friend, etc.").
4. You can always give him something that it IS appropriate to hit (a pillow, stuffed animal etc.). I always look at the ones who are quick to react as my "sensitive ones." Sometimes they need a security item to take with them that no one else can have (blanket, stuffed animal). I used to be a hitter as a child and I had the whole lot, stuffed animal, thumb, blanket -- you name it. I needed it to calm down.
I would never say anything against a another provider, especially one I don't know, but please consider the following:
1. The time of the day the occurrences are taking place (your son could be tired, hungry stressed), the time of day plays an important part in your child's patience level and irritability level. A good provider will be observing their children in care for these things and how and why they interact the way they do with others.
2. The main reason a child hits (or acts out physically) is because they become so overwhelmed with emotion that they think with the survival part of their brain (the middle lower section). Quick intervention by the provider walking through the situation verbally can help him calm down enough to use the rational part of his brain.
3. Does your provider have Early Childhood Education classes? Someone who doesn't fully understand how children react in frustrating situations will have trouble helping children work on conflict resolution.
4. Your provider (your past one, as well as your future one) will not be successful with children until they realize that young children, especially energetic boys, need physical stimulation (climbing structures, a few versions of the same type of toy, ample time outside). Bored children tend to squabble. I know its hard for a provider to be everywhere at once, but your son has done this more than once, so she should've been "shadowing" him, or staying in the background unnoticed to observe his interactions.
This is my main advice for you: Yes, it's great that you are honest about your son, but when looking for care it is the provider's job to show children the appropriate behaviors. When you interview a provider, ask them how they would handle a situation where children were not sharing and another hits. There will be someone with the right answer. Don't stop looking until you hear the right one.
I find that when parents are looking for child care it is important to find these things in the child care environment:
Enough toys for everyone/physical and gross motor activities and equipment/education/conflict resolution skills/observation skills/the ability to observe and to communicate what they observe in a positive way to the parent/positive discipline skills.
I would offer my service but I am located by the Sac Zoo and I only have a Monday-Tuesday spot left. I hope that this helps. Don't blame him or yourself. It's a developmentally appropriate situation, even if is upsetting.
Thanks.
Aimee Nester
Here's my website: http://0664719.tripod.com
